Rock and Roll Saved My Soul: 30 Years of Listening to Kula Shaker
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My program signed by Paul
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I would not say that I grew up in a cult but rather a “cult-like” religion. Obviously, this was not my choice, I was born into it. We went to church for 5 meetings a week. We read the bible daily. We were reminded constantly that the world was going to end any day now so we had to be ready, be good Christians so as to survive judgement at Armageddon. We went knocking on people’s doors to preach to them because Jesus instructed us to do so in the bible. How my parents ever bought into any of this is a mystery I will never have the luxury of understanding.
As strange as this may have all seemed on the exterior, uglier things were going down inside. In my memory, much of this could be attributed to my dad having some kind of mid-life crisis. Not that my parent’s relationship had ever been the best but now it was truly the worst. He seemed to be tired of his life and trying to reinvent himself as someone much younger. This process included new clothes, a strict diet and an inappropriate interest in one of my friends. But that is a story for another day.
My mom, on the other hand, waffled between trying to save her marriage and wallowing in the loss of it. In the same week, she could go from sad and suicidal to defending my dad’s bad behavior, determined to make it all work and angry at me for judging him. I somehow ended up in the role of looking after her and making sure no one was getting physically hurt during their many fights (especially when alcohol was involved). My brother was old enough to be out of the house for most of this (lucky him) so he stayed far away. I was too young to do the same.
One thing about our silly little church was that divorce was not permitted. This did not ultimately prevent my parents from getting divorced. It simply meant they dragged the process of making this decision out for as long as humanly possible since they were trying to avoid it and the accompanying eternal damnation. But eventually, they had enough sense to end it.
During this time, I found myself rather isolated. I went to dance classes and church often enough. But I did not attend public school after a certain age. I learned through a mixture of home and correspondence schooling instead. This didn’t bother me as I wasn’t allowed to have friends at school anyway (because those children were outside our religion) and I didn’t feel terribly challenged by the curriculum of public school. This was the age of America Online and chat rooms. This was pre-MySpace but there were places like Geocities and Tripod where one could easily make one’s own website. I was intrigued. It was not long before I was building Kulalot.
Kulalot (Kula Shaker + Camelot, geddit?) was my online shrine to Kula Shaker. Through it, I connected to other fans from around the world. Some of us even gave ourselves online monikers. Since my piece of cyberspace was named after Camelot, I gave myself a similarly regal name, Lady Winterhart. Winterhart is the last name of Kula Shaker’s drummer and I thought both he and the name were gorgeous.
Fast forwarding a little bit: I actually managed to attend a Kula Shaker concert in the big city (Chicago!) and it blew my sheltered little Christian mind. I believe my dad may have attended with me (he did love psychedelic rock, after all) but, to be honest, I don’t remember. Another proud moment for my teen self was dancing my first solo in my dance studio’s showcase. I got to choose the music I wanted to dance to. Naturally, I chose the song that had gotten me hooked on the band, Tattva. I had been cast as a wood nymph (because of course I was), so I performed a jazz dance act to Tattva for my young peers and their parents. I remember some of the adults seeming puzzled by my taste in music. But I was in heaven.
The divorce went down (blessedly) and my mom and I enjoyed a brief period living together in a man-free environment. Perhaps the drama was behind us. It was not to be so. Having never been single in her entire life, my mother was eager to marry again, come hell or high-water. My fifteen year old self did not approve and felt she should try to spend some time working on and getting to know herself. I think I believed that now that the storm had passed, I would have some say in these decisions. I would be wrong.
This is how it happened that I celebrated my 16th birthday, the first birthday I ever had the chance to celebrate (because we didn’t believe in that in the church I grew up in) in Wisconsin. It was not geographically all that far from my home state of Illinois. But also, it was an entire world away. I was living in a new rural town in a house with a new family that I didn’t particularly want anything to do with. The idea that I should be helped to process all this change didn’t seem to cross my mother’s mind. She was busy with her new life. I journaled and made stacks of drawings and wrote poems and listened to music constantly. Basically, I did everything that I instinctively felt would help me heal.
As much as I hated religion by this point (feeling personally victimized by it), I had studied other religions and spiritual texts and found the wisdom of the East resonated with me deeply. I read about Buddhism and Taoism and felt both made more sense than Christianity. I think this is also part of why Kula Shaker struck such a chord with me. They were on to something bigger, I was sure of it.
I am 17 by now and I have legally changed my name to Pony Winterhart. It’s a drastic thing to do but I was taking back my identity. It was something I felt stripped of over the past 4 years. When I told my mom I wanted to do it, she thought I was cool and creative to do so. My dad said I must hate him. I did not disagree.
I read the name “Pony” in a book called Shampoo Planet. He is a small character and yet, I had never heard of anyone being called Pony. I loved it instantly. In choosing a last name, I distinctly remember thinking to myself that, while I might not still love Kula Shaker when I was really old like 25 or something, Winterhart was still just a beautiful name. So why not take it?
Although I had the luxury of making friends in my new town, as I was older and mobile (driver’s license!), I was still also online and part of the Kula Shaker fan community. It was a small group and yet, somehow, word that I existed had reached the band. God bless the internet for making that happen. In an interview with the The Face magazine in 1999, Paul Winterhart mentions that there is an American fan who has taken his surname and Crispian (the lead singer) responds, “That’s not weird. She’s different. She’s realized she’s actually fairy.” I was absolutely in my fairy era, reading books on their lore and mythology and while I didn’t actually wear gossamer wings, I adorned my walls with them and wore enough glitter to make a disco ball jealous. There were a couple of other interviews online where I was also mentioned in passing by the band but, to be honest, I don’t remember what was said. I only remember that I was over the moon that they knew who I was. I had no idea my website would have this effect. As a teenager living in the middle of nowhere, seeing your favorite rock band from across the world mentioning you is a heady feeling. Other fans reached out to me, asking if they could send me bootleg cassette tapes, as if I were doing them a favor by accepting them. I was grateful for all these offers and was gobsmacked that they were even interested in me. I remember one fan who called herself Lady Rockalot informed me that she met Paul at one of the shows and he told her that his girlfriend was afraid of me. I felt both intrigued and embarrassed. I worried that he thought I was a stalker.
Before 1999 ends, I make my way to San Francisco. I go there to meet a friend I have spoken to online for years by the name of Katie because we both love Kula Shaker and we are going to see them play at the legendary Fillmore.
I wish I could tell you I remembered more about this night but it was 27 years ago and I was so nervous, my adrenaline was through the roof. I wish we had phones back then so I could have taken a picture to capture it. But all I remember was I wore a lavender tank top from Contempo Casuals that I loved because I thought it was a very fairy-esque color. And that somehow, I ended up meeting Paul Winterhart outside the venue. I genuinely don’t remember what we said except that he told me his girlfriend was afraid of me. I think I tried to laugh this off as I was genuinely baffled why this would be (I still am). He kindly signed my program for me. I remember also that a woman I didn’t recognize told me a man I didn’t recognize wanted to meet me. I asked, “Who are you?” and he responded, “Oh, I’m no one,” and everyone laughed. I still don’t know who he was but obviously I felt a bit silly.
On my program, Paul had written, “To Lady Winter-hart or Pony You’re quite mad my dear.” I remember my heart sank a little when I read it. I interpreted it as him thinking I was mentally unstable and, to me, I was just a fan. I was so excited and sort of embarrassed at the same time. The show, of course, was incredible. I have seen the band play live 3 times and they never cease to amaze. Over the years, they broke up and re-formed. As my 17 year old self had predicted, by the time I was 25, Kula Shaker were no longer really on my radar (but I still loved my last name!). I tuned into them again during the pandemic. I even tried to see them play when they came to the US but they cancelled the shows I was supposed to attend. Now, here we are. It’s 2026, they have just released a new album called Wormslayer. It’s incredible and epic. I genuinely never expected to still be listening to them at 43. And not only that, but to be excited about their songs all over again. They sound better than ever and I hope I get to see them when they make their way back to the states. I am once again enjoying connecting with the fans online. I even made a little fan artwork of the band members as tarot cards (and yes, I felt a little silly to be making fan art in my 40’s).
Music is a powerful thing. It can help us get through dark times. It can introduce us to new people and foster connection. Even now, as I am older and more healed and at peace than I have ever been in my life, I enjoy music as celebration. I am definitely guilty of busting into spontaneous dance breaks on a daily basis. But there is no dance without music. And I hope to be dancing in the near future at a Kula Shaker show. Because 30 years later, Tattva still excites me. And while my teenage self felt abandoned in all the chaos at home, I am here for her now. And we are both dancing.
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| How old is too old to be making fan art? |
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